Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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