I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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