dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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