On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
