Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
