This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize