Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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