The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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