is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
