Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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