Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You ate ashes out of my bong
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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