your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
