he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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