So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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