A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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