I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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