I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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