Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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