i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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