I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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