Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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