I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
