I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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