i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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