You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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