dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
