On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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