I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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