no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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