I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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