The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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