I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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