Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
