I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
