God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
