apparently the secret to your success is patron
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
