Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
