I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
