Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
