I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
