Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were trust falling into bushes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
