I puked a lego.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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