we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
