I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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