we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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