I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
