Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
