dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
