yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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