If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
