i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
