I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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