I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
