thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
