You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
