This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
