my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
